Three’s a crowd. Of idiots.

ThreeToday I was obliged to speak with Three again. My one query was when does the contractual tie between us cease.

I hate Three with every bone in my body. For most companies I’m impartial, I don’t really care either way, some I quite like and some I don’t so much. But Three? I hate them.

The story starts last year, when on a whim I took mobile broadband with them. The sales guy excitedly reassured me that the coverage was excellent in my area, it was only when I plugged it in and tried to find signal that my disappointment started. I phoned them back to say how it doesn’t work to which I was met with… “Tough tits” (I am paraphrasing a little there, but that was the summary of the conversation. Sorry for swearing mum).

The latest conversation started out friendly enough, even the awkward language barrier didn’t prove too cumbersome to start with, the operator took me through security and told me when my contract would end, not soon enough it turns out, and then noted that I didn’t use my device at all. She asked why I wished to leave, to which I replied that I think Three is one of the worst companies trading today, and fall under the category of Cowboys. Short awkward silence ensued…

She then said that I may be entitled to some form of reimbursement as I hadn’t been using my piece of Internet Three so kindly puts aside for me every month. I was aghast that the company I loath was going above and beyond to please me, the customer. I was put on hold whilst it was calculated just how much this would be. I was excited at this unexpected reconciliation.

Then she came back to me… I was dumbfounded. It was like something out of Phone Jacker. She began by saying I was a valued customer and that she could “Upgradings me to the latest iPad”, this is after I’ve told her we’ve already got a tablet PC and I despise Three. Now I didn’t lose my temper (for once), I just hung up, my gripe isn’t with that particular operator, but with the decision makers at Three.

I read a blog on their website, explaining the strategy for keeping contact centres out in India. Of course they cite how it keeps things cheap, which then enables them to plough more money into their ‘Big-boned network’, but it’s such an archaic business model. Get a bunch of guys, give them ridiculous sales targets, which in turn then forces them to force products upon customers, paying them well below the UK minimum wage for the privilege. Sure, short term it’s a sure-fire way to make a pile of money, but would I ever use Three again? Not on your nelly. Roll on 31 March…

Dear CEO of Three…

ThreeI thought it worthy of dropping a quick note to you, congratulating you as CEO of Three.

Your consistency is ground-breaking! I have never known a single person, entity, organisation or company be so absolutely dire at servicing it’s customers. A while ago I took mobile broadband with you. Alas, was I to know that the stress in dealing with you would cause me so much angst, I would have gladly taken on an entire fleet of carrier pigeons to carry information back and forth, it would have at the very least proved quicker than trying to communicate with your representatives.

For years I have dealt with O2; the dulcet tones of a helpful Geordie customer services hero, happy to be doing their job, and me happy to be speaking to them, are at my beck and call. Oh the differences between yours and O2’s customer service are too numerous to mention.

Today, was the straw that took my blood pressure into a dangerous place.
To change a Direct Debit instruction today took 18 minutes. That is not a typo, it took 18 minutes of my life, which I will never get back. Your company has become a stranding joke in my office, when I have to deal with you I put half an hour into my diary. I have a Dulux colour chart that progressively matches my colour based on the number of inane and idiotic operators that you employ/allow to seek refuge inside your buildings. I sometimes question whether literacy is a prerequisite for a job with you; as it’s clear knowledge of the English language only falls into a desirable trait, rather that mandatory one.

I pay large amounts of money to other companies, but their competent and professional operators make it seem worthwhile. The £15 a month I am obliged to provide you is the most regrettable £15 I see on my statement every month.

They say that no amount of marketing beats word of mouth, I am afraid to say then, that when it comes to speaking to friends and family, I don’t just say “Speak to someone at O2, they’ll sort you out”, I now add emphatically, “But for god’s sake, don’t touch Three”, even if you are the last mobile operator on earth, I would gladly resign myself to an informationless and technologically destitute life. And I’d still be happy.